I'm bad at vacations...

Just as burn out was beginning to set in I got on a plane and flew far far away from my home and back to my biological family. This is the first time I've seen any of them since the whole "coming out" issue, things certainly could have been worse, but they certainly could have been better. I experienced the quieting of the room as I entered, and meaningful stares between aunts and uncles. All in all though they were very tolerant even if not accepting.
On my return I discovered that a lot of folks I used to be close to have started a nude cleaning service. So far their business is pretty slow, but I gave them a few suggestions and I really hope them the best.
One of them expressed interest in dancing/entertaining at bachelor parties, and I've been scraping around craigslist trying to find us something while I'm here, but to not avail. If nothing else it gives me hope that when I eventually move back here there are some awesome Anarchist ladies that might be interested in starting a radical stripper workers collective. Woohoo!

Simply by coincidence I arrived in town to discover that there was going to be an Erotic Arts Festival! I saw some of my friends do a performance focusing on BDSM, trauma and sexual healing, I was quite impressed. The Festival had set up an impromptu peep show booth, and of course I couldn't resist trying my hand at it. I was expecting it would be very different from work, but the reactions were almost entirely the same. The only major difference was that when I exited the stage I was back in a communal space. Oh, and that the floor was made of Astroturf, so my knees were bleeding.

I've finally gotten the chance to read Naked on the Internet by Audacia Ray and I'm finding it really informative on a lot of tech-based issues I was previously unaware of. Ironically I was moonlighting this week, and I went to some guys house and watched him jack off. He claimed that he books girls for Playboy Webcamming, at first I was pretty skeptical of him but he started speaking industry language. Before reading Ms. Ray's book I hadn't seriously considered webcamming as something either profitable or really feasible. He offered me a position and I said I'd consider it and get back to him. We'll see...

In Love & Struggle
Janice

May Day 2008: Revolutionary Discipline & The Politics of Fun

May Day 2008: Revolutionary Discipline & The Politics of Fun



On May 1st 2008 in Olympia, Washington the annual celebration of workers’ rights took place. This is not unique to Olympia, in fact it is an internationally celebrated day, usually provoking many creative and innovative displays of resistance and solidarity. This year in Olympia the celebration was centered on the Sanctuary City proposal. It is a proposal that would make Olympia a destination for AWOL soldiers and undocumented workers seeking asylum. As the march approached the Washington Capitol building, many participants realized that the doors to the capitol were open and they spilled inside. They filled the hallways, demanding audience with the governor. During this time several people drew Anarchist circle A’s on the marble hallway, while others tried desperately to wash it off.

After leaving the capitol, the march made route for city hall, having several more speakers and then finally heading back (presumably) to the park. It became clear shortly after that the street leading to the park had been passed and that a detour would be required to stay with the flow of traffic. To the great protestation of many members of the group, the group took a hard left into oncoming traffic at the next intersection. As the march neared the park, they passed U.S. bank and several loud popping noises were heard. After several failed attempts a few of the windows were broken. The march continued down the street to Bank of America, shattering glass on arrival. The police responded as they always and predictably do, with violence and arrests. In the end six people were arrested. Several others injured (including this author by means of a rock).

In the aftermath of May Day 2008 in Olympia there has been a great deal of dialogue about the efficacy, appropriateness and objectives of the “rock throwers”. It appears as if two antagonistic forces have come to a head in Olympia, Revolutionary Discipline and The Politics of Fun. We now have a great opportunity as a community to discuss the importance of maintaining a diversity of tactics, while remaining aware of their effective application.

I define Revolutionary Discipline as the ability to simultaneously work towards your immediate goals while maintaining behavior that is anti-oppressive and community minded. I separate this from the Communist Party definition and refine for Anarchists struggles. In regards to Anarchists the discipline lies within the individual, but accountability remains the within realm of the immediate community. In practical terms this means a formal structure for those experiencing oppression to hold others accountable, with the use of mediation and reconciliation. It would not resemble state institutions of “law and order” or be enforced by a “professional” position (i.e. police), but rather be made up of community members of many different fields, specialties, identities and backgrounds on a rotating basis. An action devoid of revolutionary discipline, and in turn accountability, is not revolutionary at all, in fact it is counter to all that we work for.

The Politics of Fun is the belief that fun is revolutionary, conversely the revolution will be fun and that the fun justifies the means. This leads to individuals using fun as if it were an applicable tactic for Direct Action, or justifying their actions with “fun”. This isn’t to say that our organizing tactics should be boring and barren of enjoyment. On the contrary they should be fun and inclusive to everyone who shares in our struggle against capitalism and oppression. Liberating your own desires while crushing those of your comrades is a shot in your own foot and a shot in the head of the movement. Reclaim the Streets1 (when done correctly) is an extreme example of fun tactics that work within the strategy of reclaiming the commons.

Strategy mapping2 is not only good at creating tactical unity, it is also a fun and interactive way of brainstorming transformative actions. Capitalist endeavors are the most common users of this tactic, because it works. Anarchists can use this as well, with the community members and participants as “stakeholders”. Physical mapping also allows for individuals and groups to plug into a project quickly and efficiently, undermining the elitism of many organizations that are based upon mobility and “knowledge hierarchy”.

On May Day 2008 a small group decided their desires for fun and notoriety eclipsed the safety and autonomy of the larger group. This action has been justified as people “merely acting in the moment”, and an act of “rebellion, pure and simple”3 . The most obvious response to this is of course, if the revolutionary were easy and simple wouldn’t it have happened already? There is a great false interpretation of Anarchist and Marxist theory afoot; leading many to believe that insurrection absolutely implies spontaneity. In fact, when historically observing the actual occurrences of insurrection it is clear that precise planning and long-term movement building is necessary.

Although no press release has been officially published, I can imagine the motivation behind breaking the windows of those particular banks. Bank of America and U.S. Bank are two of the largest contributors of funding to Mountain Top Mining Removal (MTR). MTR is most common in Appalachia (home of the author) and continues to destroy the ecological community and in turn our own. For the past several years there have been, and continue to be, intense organizing campaigns to stop this practice4. The guilt of these companies is not in question, but the breaking of the windows of two banks at a non-MTR event appears frivolous at best. The campaign against Bank of America does not end in Appalachia, but extends even to the Evergreen State College campus, with students have been working against their ATMS on school grounds. MTR effects all of us in vary degrees, regardless of our regional location, as it destroys our ecosystems.

A friend once asked me, “What was the last truly effective thing you did? Something that truly bettered the life of an oppressed or marginalized person?” At the time my only response was of being chased through a subway in a black bloc by police. I felt as if the spectacle of resistance I had forcibly inserted into the lives of commuters should be enough. There is something undeniably cathartic about running from the police, as long as you have enough privilege to know you’re not going to jail for too long. There is something undeniably cathartic about seeing the shocked and surprised faces of bystanders as you run off in anonymity. I felt as if those smashed windows of a military recruiters office would surely end the war, but five years later I’m not so sure. If breaking windows changed anything, wouldn’t they just use Plexiglas?

We have an opportunity to start defining our community based on theoretical and tactical unity. Olympia’s May Day 2008 and the controversy surrounding it, should serve as a lesson learned in our struggle to create self-governing autonomous communities. Olympia offers great promise, with many generations of Anarchists and community organizations to act as a framework for experimentation and implementation. If we cannot learn to create effective strategies and determine appropriate tactical responses we will not succeed, we will remain in the shadows. As Anarchists it is time that we begin offering solutions, and not just asking unanswerable questions written in broken glass.

References
1 http://struggle.ws/wsm/rts.html
2 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Strategy_map
3 http://www.seattle.indymedia.org/en/2008/05/266670.shtml
4 http://www.ilovemountains.org/

The beginnings of burn-out

I've scheduled myself for a week off this month because I can feel burn out right around the corner. The critical eye I've been turning towards my customers has not gone unseen. The men coming in wearing suites have been getting shows that would best resemble me preparing for a fight after a day of drinking. The howling, giggling or pointing men have made me stop, stare, glare and walk away to the other side of the stage. In the Private Pleasures I've been closing the curtain and sending them out at the earliest mention of anything having to do with a hotel room.

One of the moments that started this behavior from me happened about a month ago. Usually when I'm in the Private Pleasures I'll bring a book with me for when it's slow. That day it was I was reading The Captive Mind by Czeslaw Milosz after giving a show for some polo shirted yuppy, he asked me what I was reading. I explained the book to him as a subversive novel, written in vague post-modern terms and prose in order to protect the author and his literary subjects from Stalin. In the book he manages to criticize The West (predominantly the U.S.), but in a witty way that ends up reflecting even more negatively on Russia. The yuppy stared back at me, seemingly dumbfounded, "Wow, sounds like some pretty heavy reading for a place like this..." Painting on my most candy-coated smile, I said "Actually we have a book club here, and despite popular belief most strippers can read". Luckily(?) the time ran out before we had time for the conversation to get any further.

Maybe I shouldn't blame them for the image some of them have of us, it's not as if I'm usually quoting Kafka or Chomsky from my sunny-side-up position, but maybe for a day I should, just to see what happens...

Uh oh, the Bagel!

This morning my manager called, "Estella, the recession...it's really starting to hit us hard and we're having to cut back." My heart jumped into my throat, because I've been having nightmares all week about this phone call. "We have to keep our doors open, so you're going to have to take a pay cut." I calmed down slightly, realizing I wasn't been fired. I did take a fifty cent pay cut, but at least I still have my job.

I'm not a psychiatrist, but...

So my regular client who kept telling me that he loved me and shared all the vivid fantasies with me, finally pushed me too far.

I had tried ignoring him on the mainstage a couple times in hope that he might get the hint, but low and behold he showed up at my next private show. He seemed like he was in a weird mood, so I suggested that I just give him a nice show without any fantasies. I also explained that I had hurt myself at the gym very badly the day before so my normal flexibility was incredibly compromised. About five minutes into the show he got very pushy, "spread it wider" kind of pushy and I reminded him that I was hurt and couldn't. Apparently this was not convincing enough because his harsh tone increased.
Maybe if he had still been paying me what he used to I would have put up with it, but I got a little sharp and said "Honey, I'll only stick it in if you ask me nicely". He gave me a puzzled look and said "I'm not asking you nicely? I'm not being polite? You know what? You're fucking right! I shouldn't even fucking be here!" At this point he had taken off the headphones that allows him to hear me and thrown them on the ground. "I'm fucking in love with you and there's nothing I can do to get over it!" He then stormed out of the booth.

Initially I was pretty shaken up over this whole encounter, "is this guy gonna follow me home?" or "is he going to keep trying to come in my booth to freak out?" After talking to some of the other girls, it dawned upon me. This guy has been coming into the Lusty for years, but for some reason I've convinced myself I was somehow the special one. As the subject says, I'm not a psychiatrist but my best analysis is that he probably does this whole act every once in a while. Finds a new girl, creates a work-based relationship and then convinces them that he is in love with them. Why? So that they think of him outside of work! TADA! He gets off on imaging me worrying about him or his actions.
I suppose it's naive of me to hope that our customers think of us as intelligent enough to actually think critically of our experiences. Granted, there are a lot of days when I just want to go home and not think about work, but so far I haven't gotten very good at that.
Anyway, I've avoided him pretty well since then, sometimes I think I see him in the one ways,
but I'm trying not to worry too much, because I know that's what he wants.

In the wake of coming out...

I feel as if I can focus more on my work again. My parents haven't called or E-mailed me back yet, if they don't call by tomorrow night I'll call them (after a retirement party I'm dancing at, eek). My aunt E-mailed me back though and said
" I am passing no judgement on you so let's talk when
you feel like you want to.
First of all, I am so terribly sorry for experiencing
the sexual harassment that you did at work. Totally
inappropriate; however, it still continues all the
time in so many environments. My response was always,
"Excuse me...............what did you say??" You were
right to leave and you were right to file a complaint.
I've known several strong, intelligent women who
stripped so this is not shocking to me.
One very important element in all of this is to be
careful and safe, yes? The bachelor parties, do you
also have a male bouncer with you?
Let's talk when you feel like it.
Lots of love".
It made me feel a lot better, I think I'll call her Saturday.

Anyway, one of the customers (vivid fantasy guy) I mentioned in an earlier post came in a couple times this week to the peep show, while I was on the main stage he kept mouthing "I love you" over and over again. I danced for him for a couple songs, but eventually turned it over to one of the other girls who has heard of his economic wealth. The next day he came into my private booth, he said "I've fallen for you, but I know the distinction between fantasy and reality...kind of". I gave him a queried look and asked "Do you want to talk about it?" He said no, so I gave him a pretty bleak show in hopes he'd just leave. After the show he said "The only fantasy I have now is walking down a beach holding your hand", I sighed and said "Yeah, and that's all I deal in, is fantasy". He got this really sad look and said "You know, you never even asked my name..." I paused, "I'm sorry, I, ugh, usually let CUSTOMERS offer..." He shook his head and told me his name, repeating it several times quietly. He left, leaving me about half the tip he usually does. I fucked up, I wasn't dealing in fantasy, I gave too much up.
I had just barely shaken my lesson well learned when sports enthusiast guy came into my booth. He's spent the past few weeks assuring me that he thinks of me as a person, and that he doesn't want to be like those "other guys" who just come in to "yanno, see you as the hot girl you are". Don't get me wrong, I want to connect with my customers, and I want them to understand that they're dealing with a person, and I feel like I achieve that pretty regularly. I suppose that's why it's so insulting to hear this from him all the time, because he's taking the power back, dictating himself the good guy, and all the others who "walk all over me" the bad guys. Before leaving he said "and if I ever drop $50 in five minutes in here, I want you to know that it's because I appreciate you...and you really turn me on". I smiled, giggled, thanked him and closed the curtain.
Had I not suffered enough for one day? Apparently not.
Next man appears, suite, nice shoes and a smiling demeanor. I introduced myself, began to explain how the booth works, but before I could finish he interrupted.
"Mistress, you can tie me up the way you have always wanted to..."
Skipping only a beat I proceeded to interrogate this quivering man about all of his indiscretions for the past week, periodically demanding some form of humiliation as penance. At the end he gathered his things and smiled politely before tipping me and leaving.
I wish I was a better Dom, but I always find myself repeating back to them whatever it is they've "done bad", while I try to think of some response befitting a mistress. I usually just end up stumbling through the whole episode, often reverting to having them lick where my shoes are pressed up against the glass.

On the book front, I'm currently reading The Arcane of Reproduction: Housework, Prostitution, Labor and Capital by Leopoldina Fortunati so far it's good, but I must admit it was a bit over my head at first. Maybe it's the translation, but the dualities that the book rests upon, often just seem like run on sentences.

Coming out to the family...

I've been putting it off for months, but I finally sent the E-mail to my parents and aunt about the work that I do...Am I going to get upset, angry, confused or supportive phone calls tomorrow morning? I guess we'll have to see...
Dear Mom, Dad & *Aunty*,

At the beginning of January I put in my two weeks notice at Radioshack, and left without looking back by the middle of the month. This was a decision I had come to after months of stress and deliberation. The reason I was able to leave was that since October I have been dancing naked at a peep show in ******, the ****** First, let me apologize to all of you for lying, I am truly sorry that I misled and lied to you. Before I explain why I lied, I want to give you some background into this decision.
I have been fascinated by strippers, prostitutes, porn stars, etc. for years. I always wondered how they could face the daily humiliation of being objectified by men, and it wasn't until working at Radioshack that I realized sexual objectification wasn't exclusive to their profession. Working inside the mall I was faced almost daily with sexual harassment, from my fellow workers, managers, fellow mall employee and customers. After months of this behavior the only insight my manager could give me, was that if I didn't want to be harassed I should wear baggy clothing. I took this up with mall management and they wrote a report but the harassment continued and even increased. Over the summer I had read a book about the Lusty Lady, it was a romantic account, and one night in ****** I decided to visit this vector of sin and sexism. I was surprised by the variety of body types, colors of skin and ages of the women, and I filled out an application on the spot. Three weeks later I was hired and dancing behind glass. For two months I worked two days a week in ***** and five days a week in *******, only having a day off once a month. What I quickly realized was that it wasn't to overt sexual objectification I experienced at the ********* that bothered me, it was the daily humiliation by men, and quiet complacence of women, at Radioshack (and the mall) that would send me home crying. Also, I was making $18 an hour at the ******** and $9 if I was very lucky at Radioshack.
In December I only worked one day a week in ***** and five days a week in *******, which allowed me one day a week to read, clean and sleep. It was better, but I found myself anticipating going to ******* and dreading everyday at Radioshack. At Radioshack, my manager was blatantly stealing my sales (the only way I could make more than minimum wage) and staring at my breasts or making inappropriate passes at me. I contacted my district manager to transfer to another store. Before my transfer was approved I met the manager of the other store I would be transferring to, he was even worse, being very vocal about what he thought of my ass and asking if I had any cute girl friends who would visit me at work. I had had enough, and I left.
Before I continue, let me say that where I am today, I have never been happier with who I am, what I look like and the company I keep. If nothing else we can say, that I would not let me adolescence go quietly into the night. I am a part of a community of strong women, artists, mothers, professors and peers. Never before have I been so happy and excited to attend work, knowing that I am going somewhere that if I need to talk, laugh or cry there are 20+ women to share that with me. Besides, where else is an out of work actor/dancer supposed to find solace?
Now that I work in ******* I work roughly 25 hours a week and make almost triple what I made at Radioshack, and money aside, I'm truly happy. Recently I have also done one nude modeling shoot (very tasteful, I promise) and was recently hired to dance at bachelor parties (always with another girl). I have found my economic independence, I'm certainly not wealthy, but my bills are paid and my credit card debt is quickly shrinking. This low hour work load has allowed me to continue my reading, writing, Spanish and performance art. I'm working on a series of essays about anti-capitalist sex work right now that my partner James is going to help me get published. This summer I will be touring the west coast and mid-west doing performance art about sex work and feminism. I would not be where I am right now without the experiences I've had over the past six months.
Now, why did I lie if this is something that is so important to me? Because you are the three most important mentors in my life, and your respect means more to me than I can articulate. Originally, I said it was too much of a shock to say if over E-mail, even today I'm too afraid to call you and tell you. I kept telling myself that when I came home in February I would tell you three, but I chickened out. I almost told you all so many times during that three weeks, but each time I found a way to put it off. I am truly sorry that I was not honest with you. I also didn't want any of you to have to lie for me (to the rest of the family), but something I've learned recently is that I can't get hung up on what others think of me, if it means compromising who I am and what I love. I will absolutely respect your wishes in concern to telling the rest of the family, if that means not telling them or coming clean, right now you three are the only ones' whose opinions I'm concerned with. I am confident that you have all raised a women who is strong, resourceful and unbelievably stubborn. Regardless of your moral judgment of my decisions, know that you have raised a women who will not back down until she is happy and free.

I know that I am testing all of your patience, but I hope that you can still respect me at least in a small percentage as much as I respect all of you.

Mom: You are a daily inspiration to me in your strength and patience, I know I have given you a hard time over the years, and I am sorry for that. The love and respect that I have for you is unsurmountable. I look forward to many years of companionship with you.

Dad: I feel as if we are often at odds, but with proper respect for each other's autonomy I believe we can repair and build upon our relationship. Thank you for everything you have taught me, including but not limited to, writing, politics, money management and the world at large.

Aunty: You have been the big sister/second mother who has taught me to go for what I love and achieve personally and professionally. It is because we are so similar that we sometimes argue. Without your guidance, encouragement to be independent, love and chastisement I wouldn't be living the life I am so happy and excited to be living.

These past six months have put me even more en-route towards the wall full of college degrees and plaques that I so desire. I love you all and thank you. I apologize if this hurts, scares or embarrasses you all in anyway.

In Love & Struggle,
Janice